Stop Fighting

When I was a kid I had this huge family.  I mean HUGE.  Both of my parents have four siblings, they all have spouses and children, some of those children have children.

We had big Holidays and family picnics, we got a million Christmas cards, and birthday cards and there was so much laughter.  SO much laughter.

Then the loud laughter turned into silent fighting.  The holiday dinners came less frequently, then they became just me, my parents, and my brother.

Then life happened, I got depressed, I became single, I became invisible.

I can go to a family dinner and not say a word, and no one notices.  I have a dog who, somewhere along the way, became aggressive with other dogs, now she is the “problem child”.  She ruins my mothers clean floors, she gets hair on the furniture and now other dogs can’t come out to the house with her, which is such a shame because that other dog is just so sweet.

For so long I have wanted that family back.  I have missed the laughter and the gatherings.  The skating, the dinners, the sleep overs even the little spats.  At least we were together.  I wanted to have my own family.  To start new, to become part of another family who had all of these big holidays and to expand my little circle into something big and loud and wild again.  All that happened was my circle became even smaller.

Life moves in directions out of your control.  It removes all the things from your life that it wants to, whether you want them or not.  Sometimes those things get replaced.  Sometimes you just need to deal with what you have.

The last year has been a game changer for me.  The last few months or weeks even.

Being alone is the hand that I was dealt.  And I don’t mean without a man.  I mean alone.  I also have come to realize that I don’t need anyone else.  I can do most things alone anyhow, I will no longer cancel plans or avoid going to shows or concerts just because I can’t get anyone to go with me, that’s bullshit.  To miss out on things just because somehow you’ve dealt yourself a bullshit hand.  Stop fighting for things that aren’t meant to be.  You should never have to work this hard for someone, for anyone.

I will take every knife from my back and I will cut my own way with them.  I suggest you do the same.