I Am Going to Offend You

While I’m sure expressing your feelings is great, and helpful and all granola and whatever, Its gone too far.  We need to just relax and dial back on the “feels”.

For the sake of brevity, I’m going to refine this to one example.

I recently saw a brilliant Heineken commercial.  Two strangers, two different beliefs, YouTube it.  It’s worth 5 minutes (or less) of your time.   It was only after I saw the commercial, that I noticed that it was a ‘response ad’ to a Pepsi commercial with one of the Kardashian/Jenner clan.  Now, I don’t live completely under a rock.  I had heard something about a Pepsi commercial that had everyone up in arms.  I just didn’t chose to seek it out.  Quite frankly, I don’t care that much.  The new commercial peaked my interest, so I watched the Pepsi commercial in question.  The one that, supposedly, was going to loose Pepsi millions of dollars, and put their whole company at risk.

Chill the fuck out.  I’ll say it again.  Chill. The fuck. Out.

Let’s look at what everyone is all up in arms about.  Big protest happening.  ‘Social medialite’ gives cop (who is there to keep the peace and make sure nothing is getting out of hand, it’s their job) a Pepsi.  He drinks it, the protestors see this as a win.

“They are downplaying a serious issue”.  Are they?  Did you expect a ground breaking and intelligent statement?  Look at who the heroine in the situation is.  Maybe instead of looking for a reason to be offended, you can look at the raw message.  Let’s even remove the group mentality of it.  Two people (seemingly with different views, we can argue that later) find common ground over a beverage.

What the hell is everyones issue?!

Lets just skip over the fact that these groups are just two different groups looking for the same outcome.  The police are not the villains in every situation; but that’s besides the point.

Let’s look at the Heineken commercial.  Two people, with opposing view points coming together over a common project and a beer.  They discuss differences in a calm, open manner.

Isn’t this just a more heartfelt, intelligent way of saying the same thing?  Find common ground, discuss your differences rationally.  Open up to someone else’s view point.  You don’t need to agree with everyone, just hear them out.

Sadly, this isn’t even the point of this rant.  My point is:  Society as whole is so fucking closed minded and so ready for a fight that mountains are being made of molehills.  Does anyone even listen to what someone is actually saying before being offended?!  In an age where nothing is spoken, everything is typed, the art of proper conversation is completely lost.

How about you take the time to listen to someones view point before just instantly waging war on them and being offended.  How about focusing on the things that are right with the world, how about taking some things at face value, how about seeking out the things you enjoy as opposed to finding everything so disgusting and offensive.  Here’s an idea.  Maybe you won’t be so fucking miserable.

I’m chubby?  My hair looks better straight?  I should wear something other than black?  I post too much about my dog?  So?  That’s your opinion.  You are one of a million people I will encounter in my life.  I refuse to get up at the crack of dawn to straighten my hair because that’s what some people think is best for me.  Besides… I’m too busy walking my dog.  And I sure as hell don’t give a shit what sort of stupid ass commercial Pepsi comes up with next.  It’s just a commercial.  Relax.  Stop overanalyzing.

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The Single Life

Let’s put this out there once and for all.  I am FINE.  I don’t mean ‘damn that gurrl is fine’ fine (although, we all know I am);  I mean, fine.  Happy.  I like my life.

I got lost for a little while, but, while my adventures in online dating were frightening and sitcom worthy at the same time; they opened my eyes to who I am and what I want.

I have vowed to reconnect with my friends.  The things I miss about ‘relationships’ are having someone to do shit with.  Patio drinks, movies, hikes, going out.. etc.  All things that a good friend is more than happy to do with you.  It just takes a little scheduling and I have learned, you cannot wait for someone to ask you, just make a call and have some fun.

Things I have learned from ‘dating’ at 37:  I do not like to have to wear pants.  As much as I love to have people just ‘pop over’, be prepared that it’s possible that I am walking around without pants on.  Why?  Because I can.  I don’t have to shower, clean, cook or stick to the plans that I made for the day.  If Netflix calls me and I decide that, no, I no longer want to be productive for an entire weekend, or leave my house.  I don’t have to.  No one knows but me, and there is no one contributing to my mess but myself.

I don’t like ‘sleep overs’.  Get out of my bed.  I sleep diagonally across a queen sized bed, and at sometimes it still isn’t big enough for me.  I have made a pillow fortress, I sleep with 5 of them.  Yep… 5 pillows.  Because I can.  And I don’t want to share them.  I can wake up when I want.  I am not disturbing anyone but Tallulah when I get up and put on 90s grunge and make coffee.  Or I can lay in bed until noon, and not hinder anyone else’s productivity.

I cook what I want, when I want.  If I don’t go grocery shopping (because I despise it) and I live on oatmeal and popcorn for weeks.  No one complains, and I don’t feel guilty for starving another person out of sheer laziness.

I also recently discovered that I dislike a disruption in my morning routine.  Maybe it’s a sign that I have been single for too long, or that I am actually just one of those people who is better on their own.  But I’m going to tell you a story.

I started dating a guy.  He was alright.  Seemed pretty cool.  Then he stayed over.

My morning before work goes like this:  Coffee is on a timer.  I get up, pour a cup, drink some, then take the dog for a walk.  On my walk I listen to music.  Typically it’s 90s Alt. rock or old school metal/punk.  Yes, that’s my morning music.  It works for me.  I come back, top up my coffee, sit down and flip through social media and have something to eat.  After this, top off my coffee again (don’t judge me) I shower, dress and leave for work.  It’s seamless.  I can arrange for a disruption if I know it’s coming.  Other than that.  No room for error.

Enter sleepover.  He wants to cuddle all night…. not the cuddling that leads to anything either… just cuddling.  So I don’t sleep very well, as I can’t get comfortable and he breathes loudly and by around 1 am I seriously debate just kicking him out or smothering him.  But I try to be nice, and I don’t.  I then discover he is a ‘morning person’ and takes joy in irritating people who are not morning people.  If you are one of these people, you’re a dick, and just stop.  He comes on my walk, wants to talk, “this is quality time that we get to spend together”.  At this point I have no finished a whole cup of coffee, AND cannot listen to my music.  Just no.  I top off my coffee, and he takes to pouting because “Facebook is obviously more important”.  Then it happens.  Just as I am about to shower (which has a two song minimum for me to be on time).  He decides that he wants to shower (and not the good shower together kind either… just needs to get ready for work.  WHAT?  You had all this time,  this time when he was trying to force me into being a morning person, and he wasted it irritating me.  UGH.  Yep, fine, have a shower.  Post shower, he puts on more scented lotions than I even knew existed and jammed down my throat how he takes such good care of himself.  I don’t care.  Go home.  Stop calling me.

This is when I realized.  I’m fairly set in my ways.  If you aren’t bringing middle of the night sex to the table, don’t stay over, and for gods sake don’t try to make me a morning person.  After 5-7 “I miss you soooo much” selfie text messages, after knowing each other for a week.  And a terrible sleep over experience, I came to realize that there is only one thing that my friends cannot provide that I actually miss.  Yes, you know what I am talking about, but I’m sure I may know some people who are willing to help me out.

Needless to say, I deleted all of my online dating information, and am wary of anyone who says “I know this great guy”.