I woke up. The coffee smells delicious.

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine wondering how we got where we are.

I made a lot of assumptions when I was younger, now, at 37, the harsh light of reality is becoming blinding.

I thought that everyone gets married and has kids (the ones who want to anyhow).  I thought that if you just applied yourself you would do well in life.  I thought that at 37, I would be married, have kids, a house and go about my happy, not overly extravagant life and that would be it.  I was wrong.

My reality became that I am 37, single and live in an apartment.  I never really figured out what I wanted to “do” with my life, or at least never fell in love with anything that I would be able to make decent money doing.  I made some choices that have left me broke and alone.  I have a little over 100 “friends” on Facebook and yet have had to learn to do things by myself and be okay with it.

I don’t know what happened.

Don’t get me wrong, I love coming home to my Tallulah, she is always so happy to see me.  Wagging tail, a ton of excitement and more kisses than any one person deserves.  She is amazing.

I love that I come home to the mess that I left.  It was my decision not to wash the dishes or vacuum or to leave my sweater hanging over the back of the chair.  I used to leave a clean house and come home to a disaster, it was terrible.  Felt like a never ending work day.  I was so tired all the time and it made me a miserable person.

I have stepped back over the past couple of years and taken a good look at myself.  My life.  How things have turned out.  I have made decisions.  I will not be that miserable person.  I cannot let life get to me.  I am better than this person who so easily sinks into the dark cloud and hides away.

The idea that every day that you wake up is a great one, is a lie.  They aren’t all great.  The point to this whole messy game of life is to frequently step back.  Look at what you have.  I mean really LOOK at it.  It’s not all great.  It’s not all the dream life that you thought you’d have.  But it’s yours, and it’s only as good as you make it.   Step outside.  Take a deep breath.  Soak in the smiles of the people you love, their laughter, their happy.

It’s a wild ride, this life, and it sure as hell isn’t over yet.


Nope, I’m still kickin’

Hey.   Yes, I disappeared.  No, I’m not gone forever.  Here I am.  Back again.

Let’s discuss taking care of yourself.  Fighting for yourself.  Speaking for yourself.

Over the past little while, I have come to meet a few (a lot) of new people.  I have definitely learned some things about myself through those people and those experiences.  Who I am, who I want to be, how I think you should behave by the time you are in your 30s, etc.

Let’s start with dealing with your own issues.  By the time you reach 30, you should be fairly self sufficient.  I don’t mean that you shouldn’t look to other people for help, support and guidance;  I mean that you should pull up your big girl panties and deal with your own shit.

If someone is treating you unkindly, speak to them directly, like an adult.  Don’t run to the teacher in the school yard and tattle on everyone.  Maybe they have things going on that your are unaware of, or couldn’t possibly understand.  Maybe, just maybe if you speak to that person, explain to them how their actions make you feel, the issue can be solved easily.

If you are diagnosed with a chronic illness.  Fight for yourself.  Fight for your life.  Fight to get yourself to where you want to be.  Understand you options, understand your own body and your limitations.  Accept them and work with them.  I know too many people who live with adversity.  How have lost organs, lost mobility, lost limbs, live in pain or live with the threat of permanent disability hanging over their head.  These people fight every day.  They fight to make the best of their lives, to better themselves, to have the best life possible and they don’t let all of their “can’ts” run their lives.  So when I meet someone who has been born with an “abnormality”, who doesn’t understand their treatment, who just lays down and lets their illness run their life, it makes me want to shake them.  To wake them up.  How can you just lay down to die and not fight for yourself?

If you want a better life, make it.  Maybe you won’t get exactly where you want to be.  Maybe that girl at work will still be short tempered, maybe she doesn’t mean it how you think, maybe that’s just how she comes across.  Maybe you won’t have perfect vision, won’t be able to run a 10 km marathon, maybe you will live dependant on needles for adrenaline, for insulin, pain meds or otherwise.  But maybe you can run a 2 km marathon, or hike a tough trail instead.  Maybe you need those meds to survive, but you are surviving.  You are living, you are spending time with people who love you dearly (and trust me, those people are there).  Maybe you will live with depression, pain, anxiety, or a really shitty pancreas.   But there are options.  Is it so bad to take some pills every day if it means being happier?  Spending more time with your children?

Fight for yourselves people.  You are the only one who can open your mouths and tell someone that something is wrong.  No one can help you if you don’t ask for it.