I went AWOL. I know; But here I am again, on my little soapbox, spewing out everything I’ve been holding inside, wondering if anyone reads this, hoping the answer is no.
Its Christmas time. 12 days away, in fact. My tree is up, decorations are out, but that’s as far as it has gone this year. Haven’t watched my holiday movies, no Christmas tunes playing, no lights outside even. Not a present wrapped and most of them not even purchased.
Why is this year different? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s the fact that I worked 200 hours last month (Okay, 196.4 hours). Maybe it’s because I work in the mall and Christmas has been shoved down my throat since early November. Maybe it’s because I have a lot going on, maybe it’s because this year I find myself lonelier than I have been before. Maybe it’s the lack of snow or even cold weather. Whatever it is, it’s missing. That Christmas magic that I have always seemed to be able to find.
I’ll tell you what I know. I have always known that sometimes just hearing someones voice can make a world of difference, and I got a phone call the other night that completely confirmed that for me. I know that sometimes hearing a sweet southern drawl answer with a “Hey Love”; Or my cousins quirky, smirky “I know, right” is all I need to pull the pieces of my heart back together, even just for a little bit.
I know that there are a few people that I would give anything to wrap my arms around for the longest most awkward hug ever, but I need it. I ache for it.
I know that I used to have big family holidays. We used to pack up the car and travel to two different places and have dinner with huge amounts of loud, laughing family. Now it’s just me, my parents and my brother. I know that I am always welcome with my family, but the truth is that I would have to choose extended family over parents and I can’t do that.
I know that with a recent unexpected health issue, with the health issues of friends and family, the search for Christmas magic has fallen to the way side and it’s harder to find it when you are trying to do everything alone.
Maybe I’ll still find it. Maybe I’ll get some Christmas cards in the mailbox instead of bills, and I’ll feel that much more connected to the people I love and miss terribly at this time of year. Other than that, if anyone has any suggestions on how I can possibly find that magic feeling again, please feel free to pass that along.