Dark clouds breed determined people.

I’ve become an unhappy person.  I am not sure if it happened over time, or all at once.  I couldn’t pin point it to one event in life either.  However it occurred, it did and I’m not happy about it.  Is that redundant?

I don’t like my weight or my body.  I don’t like that I have no one to hang out with.  I don’t like how broke I am.  All in all, it’s just a generally unhappy situation.

Out of my dark, Eeoyre like cloud, I have discovered something.  It’s not a silver lining, it’s more a decision.  A decision to be determined.

I cannot change that the people that I used to spend all of my time with seem to have moved on without me.  People change, situations change and life happens.  I can decide not to dwell on it.  I am learning to go to movies by myself, go to dinner, or the pub or window shop in the small towns that I love to wander through, alone.  It’s not the end of the world.

I am hell bent on being healthy.  I normally eat fairly well.  I stay away from food that really make me feel ill (such as wheat or anything deep fried) and try to be mindful of the things that I put in my body.  My issue came when I had a bad day, especially at work.  I would get frustrated and turn to a muffin, or a cookie.  I would not pack a lunch the night before (and not leave enough time in the morning) because I work at the mall and it’s easy to just get something there.  I would intend on a salad, then something would happen and I would turn to fries, or Jimmy the Greek, or even worse, A&W.  I would feel like death for the rest of the day, not sleep that night, be exhausted, and then it would become a vicious circle.  No more.  I will not eat from the food court.  I will not stop for a muffin on the way to work.  I am perfectly capable of making a smoothie for breakfast, or precook some oatmeal and pack a lunch the night before.  No more stopping for chips on the way home because I’m starving and eating the bag for dinner.  I won’t get where I want to be by telling myself “just this once”.

I am going to start taking all of those “work out at home” tips that I pin on Pinterest, or that I follow on Instagram, and I am going to use them.  I feel like I am trapped somewhere between “I haven’t been out of my bed in years” and not swimsuit model, but definitely trimmer than I am.  I need to change it and tip the scale in my favour.  I don’t need to work for Victoria’s Secret, lord knows I like food way too much for that.  But I need to be happier in my clothes and out of them.

Now comes the super hard one:  Changing how broke you are.  I need certification in something to get a really good career, but I can’t afford to go to school, then comes in the whole what do you take to maximize your employment potential.  I had always thought that I would have a husband and we would both have incomes and we would make things work.  I never expected to be paying everything on my own.  It’s hard.  I’m not bad with money.  Quite frankly, I don’t have money to be bad with.  Just making ends meet is difficult and having spare money ontop of it is next to impossible.  Please don’t tell me to “save your money”.  There isn’t anything left to save.  I have a plan, I’m not sharing it, but I’m hoping that it will work out in my favour.  That’s all I have to say about that.

In short.  This is my declaration post.  My “someone can hold me accountable” post.  If I put this out there, someone can come back to me and say.. “How’s that work out going” or “Are you actually leaving your apartment and doing things”?  I have decided that the only way that I can hope to be happier, is to make it that way.  No one is going to help me.  If I want someone to “look out for #1”  I need to make myself #1.

I think that sometimes people hit a dark spot.  It feels a lot like sinking.  It’s hard to keep your head above water.  Sometimes things happen when people stay hopeful and those things help them out of the dark place.  Sometimes, nothing happens unless you change how you face the world every day.

I will probably still cry more than I should.  I will probably hesitate to leave my apartment and opt to stay in the safety of secret cookies and rented movies over taking myself to the theatre (although I love the theatre).  But hopefully, over time, I will be able to push myself and really face the world head on.  “You can’t push me down forever, I will fight back, and you, world, will be sorry”.


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