I have moments of clear as mud (in)sanity and do a massive clear out of Facebook. I can go from 180 friends to 80 in the blink of an eye. People have commented that they wish they could be as cold and calculated as I am about clearing out their lists. What no one seems to understand is why/how I get to that point.
If you have ever fallen victim to one of my clear outs, please do not feel it’s because of some cold, sinister plot and you just “didn’t make the cut”. If you have seen the status update about me cleaning house and made some comment about how you “made the cut again”, please know how close I was to deleting Facebook completely.
By the end of this post I hope that you will understand what is actually happening when I seemingly delete people out of my life. Let us begin.
Recently, I have run into some people that I used to ‘know’. They used to be on my Facebook, but at some point have been deleted. I used to work with them, or went to school with them, or at some point saw them fairly regularly in a social setting. Then my life fell apart and everything changed.
I was drowning and lonely. I had 200 ‘friends’ and was never more alone. My heart was broken in so many ways, by so many people and I decided to do something about it. I removed everyone from my Facebook that I felt wasn’t there for me. I removed everyone that made me feel like they didn’t really want me around in the first place. I urge you to not be offended, and to continue reading. This is not what you think, I promise.
I really was at the point where I would have deleted my account completely. It felt like everyone was too busy to include me, or just didn’t want to. I started to feel like there were all of these people who had access to my life, my photos, to me, and only used it for entertainment purposes. Now, having said that. I couldn’t delete my account. Not because I am addicted to Facebook, but because it keeps me in touch with family and friends that live across Canada. I love to see their photos and know what’s going on in their lives. It was also the only connection that I felt like I had with other people.
Recently, a few things have occurred to me. People are busy. Maybe it’s not that they don’t want me around, but it’s not always easy to fit people in when you work, have families and other friends. It’s hard to fit in your 34 year old single friend. There’s no kids to play with your kids, no significant other to keep your significant other entertained. It’s an awkward pair off. This is not a woe is me, this is a realization. People lead really busy lives, and once you have fallen out of the regular routine with them, it’s incredibly difficult to get back into it.
I have started to add people back. Maybe I don’t see them all the time, that’s ok. I can wait. I’m just thankful to have people in my life that are happy to see me when they do bump into me, and are willing to add me back as a ‘friend’ and not begrudge me for deleting them in the first place.
All I ask is that when you have a little time and are heading down to market, out to a patio or just want to have a cup of tea at home. Remember me. I am happy to run errands, hang out at the park with your kids, or anything that you might want a tag-along for. I know that I have failed as a friend, but I am making amends and working on a better me. Some things just take time.