I lost who I was.
I became who I thought someone else wanted and needed me to be. I became who I thought I needed to be for that person. And somehow ‘Nat’ got lost in the shuffle. It’s no ones fault, sometimes you just lose yourself in the chaos of daily life. Sometimes you lose yourself in being madly in love with another person.
Now that I have spent so much time with myself, there are things that I have (re)learned. Like them or not, they are who I am.
I’m awkward. I know this, it’s not news to me. I’m sure it’s not news to anyone who knows me either. I can’t explain it, I don’t know why I’m so odd. Trust me, if I knew, I would change it, or at least tone it down a little. I feel like part of it is that I wear my emotions like a cartoon character. There is never any question as to what I am feeling, you can see it clearly in my expression. This also ties into that if you tell me something that I don’t know how to react to, I just don’t react. At all. I apologize, it’s uncomfortable for everyone involved.
I will do anything I can to make the people I care about happy. I really don’t like it when people are sad, especially the people who mean the world to me. I may not try to ‘fix’ the unpleasant situation, I know that I am not superwoman. I know that I cannot make this not happen, and I cannot take away what has made people unhappy. But I can make you your favourite cookies, or do something that I know will make you laugh, or just sit and listen and constantly remind you how beautiful, special, wonderful and loved you are. That’s my job. I am a friend. I have a big heart and I will hand it to you on a platter.
I love road trips. I really don’t even care where we are going. Although if we end up in some little town somewhere, with neat shops and some great pub for lunch, I will be one of the best days ever. I really just love to be in the car, music cranked, coffee available and on the road. The trip is sometimes the best part of the adventure.
Coffee mugs. Yep. I have what I am realizing is quite the collection. My mood in the morning or whenever I open the cupboard, determines what mug I use. They are not just mugs, they are mood enhancers. And yes, I have a couple of mugs that no one is allowed to use but me.
I have curly hair. This may seem fairly obvious, but I feel like it’s an ‘issue’. I hear so often how much people (especially guys) like my hair straight. Great. Curly hair is what you get with me, as much as I say that I cannot change that, I know I can. I could permanently straighten my hair. The truth is that, while it’s great to have straight hair for a couple of days, and I feel so beautiful when it is straight, after a while I start to not feel like me anymore. Straight hair is not ‘Nat’, curly hair is. Wild, unpredictable and romantic.
Now the ugly truths. I was bullied in school. Told that I was too ugly to be friends with the ‘cool’ girls. Words stick. They scar and those scars are deep. Yes, I still feel like that kid that no one likes. The ‘uncool’ kid that has nothing to offer, she’s still here.
I feel like I am suffocating in this life. I can’t explain it. I’m spinning my tires and can’t seem to move forward. I need to move, but where? Everywhere else seems so expensive and it’s just me a my dog. My fear is not being able to care for her and being stuck somewhere that I have no help. But something needs to change.
I like my house clean. Really clean. I take pride in where I live and want it to be inviting. I love when my friends ‘pop in’, and try to have my house ready for it all the time. I have been told in the past that people didn’t like coming over because my house was too clean and it made them uncomfortable. I used to have anxiety about leaving my house with dirty dishes in the sink or a floor that needed to me mopped or vacuumed. I have gotten over these things. However, if my house is so clean that you are uncomfortable, you need to get over that.
These things are all summed up fairly easily. Being in the car on a nice day belting out some of my favourite tunes will always make me smile. I love my friends and family above all else. Their happiness makes me happy and I will do everything I can to contribute to that. I love my dog like she is a child. She has a ton of personality and has done more for my heart and emotional state than any human ever could. She is not “just a dog”. I work everyday to be a happier, better person, and day by day I am coming closer to being her again.