Two years ago the proverbial rug was pulled out from underneath me, and since then I have been running damage control. Financial, emotional, physical, it’s all been about repair. My faith was shaken, terribly so. Faith in love, faith in friends, faith in my ability to obtain my dreams, repair my heart and live out the rest of my life without carrying this hurt with me.
The truth is, life is a leap of faith. Every move you make, every friendship, every relationship, even the education that you take, or the job that you accept. It’s a blind step, hopefully forward, that you choose to make every time you get out of bed.
It’s no secret that my lifetime of leaps have pretty much all ended in scraped knees, broken hearts and some tears. For the past two years I have shied away from taking any leaps. Tried to take the safe road. Tried to avoid putting myself out there to get hurt again, by anyone. Guess what? It doesn’t work.
It was suggested to me to have a list, somewhere that I would see it, of all the traits I want in a partner. It’s been on my mirror for 5 months. The idea is that I will draw someone with these traits to me. That I will put this idea out and I will not settle for less than my list. It’s not an outrageous list, never the less, it’s coming down.
I have a new plan. New leaps of faith. I have discovered that, at least my, happiness depends on other people. I am not a solitary person, I was never meant to be alone in life. I like to have friends and family around. I love giving love, being in love and everything that entails. But sometimes you have to let go. Let go of the friends who have no time or interest. Let go of the family who make you feel so distant. Let go of the dream of the house with the porch, the kids in the yard and the man who kisses your forehead and smiles at you on sunday mornings over coffee.
The list is being replaced with reminders. Reminders that I’m worth someone making time for. Reminders that people making me feel bad about who I am is not a reflection of me, but of them. Reminders that I deserve someone to make me feel like I am worth their love and attention and I shouldn’t settle for less than that.
The list is being replaced with determination. Determination that I will be okay without someone. I will take courses to have my dream job, even if there is no market for it. I will try not to be sad or sorry over the friends that I have lost, nor will I keep trying to make them have time for me. I am determined to not have this same life forever. I will not always worry about money, or feel so alone. I refuse to let that happen.
I am going to take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other, and leap.
I have to regain my faith that I will again have great laughs with good friends. That money may not be plentiful, but at least it could be more easily accessible. I must have faith that no one’s life is meant to feel like mine does now. This is a start to the end. The end of who I have become to make way for who I know I am.