These things I have learned

I lost who I was.

I became who I thought someone else wanted and needed me to be.  I became who I thought I needed to be for that person.  And somehow ‘Nat’ got lost in the shuffle.  It’s no ones fault, sometimes you just lose yourself in the chaos of daily life.  Sometimes you lose yourself in being madly in love with another person.

Now that I have spent so much time with myself, there are things that I have (re)learned.  Like them or not, they are who I am.

I’m awkward.  I know this, it’s not news to me.  I’m sure it’s not news to anyone who knows me either.  I can’t explain it, I don’t know why I’m so odd.  Trust me, if I knew, I would change it, or at least tone it down a little.  I feel like part of it is that I wear my emotions like a cartoon character.  There is never any question as to what I am feeling, you can see it clearly in my expression.  This also ties into that if you tell me something that I don’t know how to react to, I just don’t react.  At all.  I apologize, it’s uncomfortable for everyone involved.

I will do anything I can to make the people I care about happy.  I really don’t like it when people are sad, especially the people who mean the world to me.  I may not try to ‘fix’ the unpleasant situation, I know that I am not superwoman.  I know that I cannot make this not happen, and I cannot take away what has made people unhappy.  But I can make you your favourite cookies, or do something that I know will make you laugh, or just sit and listen and constantly remind you how beautiful, special, wonderful and loved you are.  That’s my job.  I am a friend.  I have a big heart and I will hand it to you on a platter.

I love road trips.  I really don’t even care where we are going.  Although if we end up in some little town somewhere, with neat shops and some great pub for lunch, I will be one of the best days ever.  I really just love to be in the car, music cranked, coffee available and on the road.  The trip is sometimes the best part of the adventure.

Coffee mugs.  Yep.  I have what I am realizing is quite the collection.  My mood in the morning or whenever I open the cupboard, determines what mug I use.  They are not just mugs, they are mood enhancers.  And yes, I have a couple of mugs that no one is allowed to use but me.

I have curly hair.  This may seem fairly obvious, but I feel like it’s an ‘issue’.  I hear so often how much people (especially guys) like my hair straight.  Great.  Curly hair is what you get with me, as much as I say that I cannot change that, I know I can.  I could permanently straighten my hair.  The truth is that, while it’s great to have straight hair for a couple of days, and I feel so beautiful when it is straight, after a while I start to not feel like me anymore.  Straight hair is not ‘Nat’, curly hair is.  Wild, unpredictable and romantic.

Now the ugly truths.  I was bullied in school.  Told that I was too ugly to be friends with the ‘cool’ girls.  Words stick.  They scar and those scars are deep.  Yes, I still feel like that kid that no one likes.  The ‘uncool’ kid that has nothing to offer, she’s still here.

I feel like I am suffocating in this life.  I can’t explain it.  I’m spinning my tires and can’t seem to move forward.  I need to move, but where?  Everywhere else seems so expensive and it’s just me a my dog.  My fear is not being able to care for her and being stuck somewhere that I have no help.  But something needs to change.

IMG_1295I like my house clean.  Really clean.  I take pride in where I live and want it to be inviting.  I love when my friends ‘pop in’, and try to have my house ready for it all the time.  I have been told in the past that people didn’t like coming over because my house was too clean and it made them uncomfortable.  I used to have anxiety about leaving my house with dirty dishes in the sink or a floor that needed to me mopped or vacuumed.  I have gotten over these things.  However, if my house is so clean that you are uncomfortable, you need to get over that.

These things are all summed up fairly easily.  Being in the car on a nice day belting out some of my favourite tunes will always make me smile.  I love my friends and family above all else.  Their happiness makes me happy and I will do everything I can to contribute to that.  I love my dog like she is a child.  She has a ton of personality and has done more for my heart and emotional state than any human ever could.  She is not “just a dog”.  I work everyday to be a happier, better person, and day by day I am coming closer to being her again.

 

 

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Like it or not, it’s all a leap of faith

Two years ago the proverbial rug was pulled out from underneath me, and since then I have been running damage control.  Financial, emotional, physical, it’s all been about repair.  My faith was shaken, terribly so.  Faith in love, faith in friends, faith in my ability to obtain my dreams, repair my heart and live out the rest of my life without carrying this hurt with me.

The truth is, life is a leap of faith.  Every move you make, every friendship, every relationship, even the education that you take, or the job that you accept.  It’s a blind step, hopefully forward, that you choose to make every time you get out of bed.

It’s no secret that my lifetime of leaps have pretty much all ended in scraped knees, broken hearts and some tears.  For the past two years I have shied away from taking any leaps.  Tried to take the safe road.  Tried to avoid putting myself out there to get hurt again, by anyone.  Guess what?  It doesn’t work.

It was suggested to me to have a list, somewhere that I would see it, of all the traits I want in a partner.  It’s been on my mirror for 5  months.  The idea is that I will draw someone with these traits to me.  That I will put this idea out and I will not settle for less than my list.  It’s not an outrageous list, never the less, it’s coming down.

I have a new plan.  New leaps of faith.  I have discovered that, at least my, happiness depends on other people.  I am not a solitary person, I was never meant to be alone in life.  I like to have friends and family around.  I love giving love, being in love and everything that entails.  But sometimes you have to let go.  Let go of the friends who have no time or interest.  Let go of the family who make you feel so distant. Let go of the dream of the house with the porch, the kids in the yard and the man who kisses your forehead and smiles at you on sunday mornings over coffee.

The list is being replaced with reminders.  Reminders that I’m worth someone making time for.  Reminders that people making me feel bad about who I am is not a reflection of me, but of them.  Reminders that I deserve someone to make me feel like I am worth their love and attention and I shouldn’t settle for less than that.

The list is being replaced with determination.  Determination that I will be okay without someone.  I will take courses to have my dream job, even if there is no market for it.  I will try not to be sad or sorry over the friends that I have lost, nor will I keep trying to make them have time for me.  I am determined to not have this same life forever.  I will not always worry about money, or feel so alone.  I refuse to let that happen.

I am going to take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other, and leap.

I have to regain my faith that I will again have great laughs with good friends.  That money may not be plentiful, but at least it could be more easily accessible.  I must have faith that no one’s life is meant to feel like mine does now.  This is a start to the end.  The end of who I have become to make way for who I know I am.